Bored.

Well, yes I am really bored as the title says. It's not even a day since I wrote, but I'm pretty bored right now and I don't have anything going on or planned for awhile so I guess I'll just write. Ever since the moment I woke up I have had so much on my mind and I'm  not quite sure how to get it out. Right now I'm watching Fruits Basket and I'm kinda falling for another anime guy, but I'm pretty sure Tamaki is always going to be my only love. I know it's really dumb to think about a pretend character but I can't really help it. He's just everything I want in a guy and I keep on finding all these guys in real life that are exactly like him. Every time I see his face I smile, without even thinking. I know most people out there wouldn't understand how it really is, but for the people who really do I'm grateful.

I'm not sure where to go on from here... there are all those guys out there and the two friends brothers that I like but I'm not really sure what all of life means at the moment. There is just so much crap that I don't understand, making it nearly even more impossible to think. I guess the point is, is that I need some direction. Praying helps, but I think what I need is my patriarchal blessing because that is direction meant for me(: Anyway, back to the point. Last night at dinner I found yet another Tamaki (he was one of the waiters)  and all we exchanged was smiles. I guess that's probably a good thing because he was like six or seven years older than me. I know I'll find my true love one day, but for now I guess I've just gotta keep dreaming about it.

Sometimes I wish it were easier... without all of this crap... doubting myself, my future, what I'll turn out to be. I'm really surprised about how much an anime show can make you think but I guess it's because she's a natural thinker and in a way I'm kind of like her like that, It's making me wonder though... could it mean something that I'm thinking about all of this right now, like I'm supposed to be getting something out of this. In a way it's bringing me a lot of good cheer as-well, knowing that something is totally bound to happen but I have no idea what it is yet. I've written forever, so I'm going to go for now but I'll probably be back later with more(:
Love, Always,
Emma Suoh <3

New Crush, Starting Over

Well, for awhile I liked this guy but now that I'm over him I like two other guys. The really dumb thing is that they are both my friends older brothers. One of them is sixteen, the other one is nineteen. (Some of you will know who I'm talking about.) One of those crushes just started today and I'm not quite even sure why I like him yet. I mean, he has gorgeous eyes and he's so nice, and he loves anime like me... and yeah. I guess I sorta just explained all of it, but I'm still kind of confused. He's different... but in a good way and I can't help but smile when I think about how we met. Me and my friend were just sitting in her room watching Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and then her brother walks in. He doesn't really say much except for hi and tell me that I should watch it.. but he was so sweet, and it was so easy to talk to him that I can't help it. He's so different from the other guy I like. So much easier to talk to... so much friendlier and he doesn't like I'm an idiot. Too bad he likes another girl... figures so does my other crush. I guess I just need to face the fact that I'm not gonna find my husband at the age of fifteen and I need to really keep my focus on what I was before. I'll write more as soon as I can, but right now I gotta go to a wedding. <3
Deepest love to everybody. Especially Tamaki Suoh(: <3
Emma

3. 2. 1.

Well, I'm back to writing again, and I have a ton on my mind. I'm not sure how I'm going to get it all out though. I've been thinking a lot about how I've been focusing too much on guys, and how I need to get my focus on other things like my future. To give you guys an idea of what I want to happen--stuff that's actually possible I'll make you a list of things that I really want to happen.

My List:

• Graduate from college with three majors
• English
• Psychology
• Anything else my mind comes up with in High School
• Move to Italy-- It's always been my dream to move there, because it's the most beautiful place in the world <3
• Get Married. Of course, it's every girls dream to get married--well almost every girls dream.

See, with the last one my problem is that I'm always thinking too far into the future, and I kinda need to get myself to college, and get my book published first. If you notice, my past blogs have all been about what's going on in the guys segment of life, but I kinda decided as of a few days ago that I wouldn't do that anymore. Now, I need to focus myself on getting to college.

No offense to all the boys out there, but I'm in the need to kinda forget about most of them and just let myself live this life without all the problems they cause me and think about the dreams that I want to come true--not just the ones that involve guys but mostly the ones that involve my future plans like my job and everything.

I must be off, but I thank all of you who take the time to read what I write.

Love,

Emma <3

Here I am again

Sorry I keep writing today, but I've been doing a lot of things that have been making me think a lot. Maybe that's why I woke up smiling. I was going through and reading all of the past posts that I've written in this, and it's actually really surprising me how much I've changed since Sep. 30 when i first started writing to you guys. I've actually grown a new respect for all of the people I haven't really gotten along with before because I have gotten a lot better at really understanding what they're going through.

I have been so tired today, probably because of all of the thinking and serious discussion with myself I've had. I am seriously dying here, because I just want to find out what magical thing is going to happen today. I feel like I'm writing every five seconds because of how nervous I am. Sometimes when I get the chills something really bad happens and I end up almost having a heart attack.

I really hope all of you are enjoying all of my writing, it's seriously killing my wrists to write all of this, but I guess it's the only way to get all of this out of my head. I'll probably put all of this in some story I write, but for now I'm just going to rant on and on to all of you guys. I may seem stupid to some people, but I've been told I am really smart for my age.

Kk I'm getting really tired, but I may be back in five minutes with some other tidbit of wisdom. Thanks for everything everybody(:

Em(: <3

Clouds....

I just found this in my drafts(:

'Okay, this post isn't going to be about actual clouds, but you know how some people say that when you're in love and really happy you're floating on cloud 9? Yeah, that's definitely me right now. I have been floating on Cloud 9 on and off for a long time lately.I know all of my past three posts have been pretty depressing and all, so I am going to write about some pretty happy stuff today :)
For most of the day I was feeling really happy. For some reason, being in certain people's presence makes me get that way. Especially when they enjoy talking to you as much as you do talking to them.'

hahaha bull crap to cloud 9:) I don't really need to be on a cloud to be happy! <3

Memories

I've realized that no matter how bittersweet, or sad memories can be... I think they're always worth it. I've recently been thinking about all of the dumb--more like stupid--and plain upsetting things I've either thought or done over the past three or four years... and I'm telling you the list isn't short. I've been so depressed lately, and now I kind of realized it's one, because I'm expecting life to move too fast; and two, I've kind of been holding onto the past too much. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in a situation is to let go of what you love the most. I've been hanging onto things like that because one day I was hoping that it would all go back to the way it was before. But, as Aslan says in the second movie of Narnia 'nothing ever happens the same way twice.' I guess that's kind of what I've been expecting to happen with all of these guys. I've expected things to just fall into place like a good novel. I guess it's like Northanger Abbey. Sometimes I guess I wish I lived inside of a novel. You know, having whatever you want even with all of the challenges that people have to go through to get them. I really didn't realize how much work it takes to really get everything to that perfect time when all of it seems to fit together like a puzzle. I'm still not all the way there, but I am getting closer(:

Well, I'm Back

I am now writing again, because I really have nothing better to do. It isn't that I don't like writing, it's just that I've kind of been thinking about all of this stuff that I wrote about earlier, and I'm just wishing I stop thinking about it because it is bugging me to death. I'm sitting at home watching Roderick Rules because I was having trouble concentrating anyway and what I usually do when that happens is sit around and pretend I'm concentrating on something.

Since my birthday is coming up, I've been thinking a lot about what I want, but nothing is coming to mind. It isn't that I'm completely happy with life, its more of the fact that I can't really concentrate like I said before. There are a few things that I know I want though. Like a keyboard, a weber state hoodie, and this blog to be made into a book so I can read it over and over without getting the headaches you get from a computer.

I decided a little while ago that after I finish ninth grade I'm going to start a new blog for next year, and so on just so I can keep track of what happened in each year instead of having it all jumbled together in one big book. Smart, huh. I'm thinking about combining both blogs into one book so it's longer, but I think I'll do two separate books in order to make sure I know what happened in one depressing part and one just thinking part of my life.

I've actually been having a lot of epiphanies lately, and it's really starting to get on my nerves because I was asking to make my life better, but not really have all of the ideas to come barreling at me at once. I'd rather have one idea at a time until I get that one figured out and then another one come at me after that so I have time to catch up with myself.

I woke up this morning so refreshed, and so happy that nothing could sway me from the smile on my face. I'm not even sure why I was smiling, because nothing completely amazing happened to me, but I guess it could be that something amazing is going to happen, because sometimes that's how it works. Sometimes I just wish I could take a time machine and see how everything will turn out in my life. My career, my husband, my family, my home... I just wish that it was possible.

I know sometimes I may seem crazy, but I once heard a quote that said 'a bird can't fly too high if he's using his own wings, and I know it's all metaphorical and stuff, but it really took a place in my heart because it gives me hope to believe in a lot more than I have without that quote. I don't remember who wrote it, but it brings me up when I feel super down.

Wish me luck on something amazing happening today! <3
Em

Wow.

It's been awhile! Sorry guys, I just made another blog a little while ago, about some more personal stuff... i'm not sure why though. I'm glad to be back! Let's see... updates on life. I'm now almost fifteen, and I'm way excited. The legal age for my permit, and also going to high school!(: I like a guy that I met just a little while ago--like a couple weeks, and you could say that we're kind of sweethearts if you want to look at it that way. Why, because I recently found out that he feels the same way about me.

I am so happy, because for once in my life it seems like everything is finally going at least a little bit how I planned instead of completely backfiring every single step I take to get to where I want to go. I've been writing a lot of songs lately, about reflection and looking back on everything I can see every single mistake I've made, and I am so happy that I now have the strength and will to change that to be a better person. I had  a little power struggle with some internal stuff back there for awhile, but now I feel completely healed and energized like I'm able to do everything that I wanted.

I don't remember what I wrote about the last time I wrote because it was so long ago, but what I do know is that whatever depressing stuff I was saying or going through doesn't even phase me now. It is seriously like a meteor hit the earth, and turned everything upside down. I can't stop smiling now because of how happy I am. I haven't really gotten all of my issues under control, but that isn't what really matters to me right now. All that matters is that I'm taking life the way I want it, and not the way the devil does.

I feel so strong right now, like nothing can bring me down but I know that isn't true. I guess at one point all of that will come back, but for now I decided I'm going to live in the moment, but still think through my decisions carefully instead of just winging it like I used to do. I guess that's what kind of ruined all of my relationships before was that I was to straight forward. I'm not talking about drawing back completely, but kind of talking less about how much I like this person or that person.

I have to leave now, but I'll write more in a couple hours or so. I love every single one of you for helping me get through this.

Emma <3 (:

4:00 AM

Yes, I am still awake. It's funny, because most of the time when I try to pull an all nighter I just end up falling asleep from exhaustion, but now I'm kind of wanting to go to bed and this is the time when my body decides to pull an all nighter. Sorry if I'm annoying you guys, but this is really getting on my nerves as well. I have another episode of CSI on, but I'm still having a lack of concentration. This is so hard for me to deal with. Ever since Saturday, I've been thinking a lot about my ex-boyfriend. Problem is, he likes my best friend now. Well, it's so gerat to get this out. I should probably be putting this on my top-secret blog that no one reads, but I'm being nice today and you can all hear about my tragic love story. Or more like plural love stories. I'm so sick of everything. He's in love with my really close friend. She's practically exactly the same as me, and ugh! I didn't even realize I liked him this much until now. I've pretended to hate him for so long that when I finally started thinking about it, all of that hate I let boil up inside of me was really only leading in the opposite direction I wanted it to. He told me that our relationship was on pause and that he wasn't sure how long it would be on pause before he was ready to give me another chance. I am so exhausted. Physically, and emotionally and the sleep WILL NOT COME no matter how hard I try. This episode is very entertaining but I keep on zoning out... and then when I zone out, it's really annoying because I lose track of everything that's happening in the show. Still, all that matters is that I catch up I guess. I do realize that I really do need at least some sleep, so I'll probably just get it in Seminary. I do love that class, but it's really the only sleep I'd possibly even have a chance of getting some rest in. I'm kind of angry right now... and I don't really know why. I thought I'd gotten over all of the angry feelings I was having last week, but apparently I was not even close to the end.  Haha I love this show... It adds humor to the crime. Yes, yes it does. I feel like I'm on opposite laughing gas... I'm so depressed for absolutely no reason. I swear I could write a novel with all of the posts I'm writing today, so I'm going to try not to write very much more, but I wish you guys all have good days even if I don't!

Love Y'all!
Emma

Sleeping Meds, Anybody?

Well, sleep has not fallen yet, as you may be aware by my typing another post at this early hour. I know it's only been an hour or so since I last posted, but I've still got a lot on my mind even if it doesn't really make sense to me at the moment right now. So, I've turned on another Criminal Minds that I am already deeply caught up into even though it just barely started. The only problem is all of the freakin' commercials. I am so tired of life right now. I'm not really speaking of doing anything dangerous, I wish I could just hibernate like a bear. You know, escape from the world for awhile. This show is so easy for me to figure out. Like when I just barely start watching it I can already tell who the criminal is. Even before the show tells you that's who it is. Wow... Sometimes the criminals on these shows happen to be so adorable!!!! And the victims. Like on the CSI I was watching before the guy that died was adorable. He was a very bad guy... but usually the guy that is the most horrible are the ones that you seem to like the most. This guy... Now, he's a babe. His name is Brandon, and he's kind of the bad boy type, but I love him. Maybe it's because he reminds me of this certain guy that I used to--and maybe still do like. Ooh... This is exciting... a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend.... alone. What is going on here? Ooh, he just got dissed. No more girlfriend for him! Sorry about my rambling on right now, I've just got a lot to figure out and sometimes rambling acutally helps me clear my head. Even though sometimes it just stresses me out. I'm thinking maybe I should try to get some sleep, but I'm too scared to even try in fear of having another nightmare about death or someone special dying. This is just a little bit too dramatic for me. I'm really in need of a long hibernation. Or... better yet, I could get some lavender flavored bath scent and maybe some mint, and eat some chocolate. Anybody want to give me some? I'd really appreciate it. I'll probably write more in an hour or so...
Till THEN....
Emma

Well I'm Back Again...

Look at the time. OMG!It's 2:04 in the morning right now :/ Yeah, I can't sleep right now. I'm pretty sure that it isn't because I'm watching Criminal Minds because that is actually kind of calming me down. I really want to be able to sleep again, but for some dumb reason I can't sleep--Well, I know why, but for some reason I don't really feel like telling the whole long story about my relationship problems. I know I've told you all of this stuff before, but today I'm feeling kind of sheepish about all of the romance crap. I don't really know what to say about all of this, but I kind of want to be able to figure all of this out before I explode. I wish I knew the answer to everything. I know that isn't possible, but obviously I still want it. There is so much crap going on my life, and I'm warning you not to get too involved because sometimes it can really get on someone's nerves when they listen to me for too long. Too long being, maybe even as short as five minutes. Well I think I'm going to be up all night so I mightaswell right as much as I can while I'm up even if it's just rambling. Lots of things have really surprised me lately, about certain people and the amazing advice that they give. Spencer Reed is so confusing in all of his talking about science geeky stuff... I LOVE it. I'm so tired right now, but it's really funny because I'm so tired I actually understand what he's talking about. I would LOVE to meet him a lot, and I promise I'm going to marry a guy just like him. This episode is so creepy... but I LOVE IT! This woman is so insane... Wow, I'm being random. I just want to get to bed. I've tried to just fall asleep, but it doesn't really work. I'm a little bit annoyed with all of this concentrating I'm doing in the middle of this morning when I should be getting my beauty sleep. But there is so much stress going on and I have no idea how to deal with it, so I just decided I would blog about it, even if it took me three hours. I wish I could smile for real instead of just fake. I know I may seem depressed all the time, but I guess that's kind of what you got into when you started reading this. I just hope you get out of everything before I get too deep into my complaining... That is, unless you like hearing all about my problems with I completely don't mind. There is so much drama here, that I don't really know what to do. I guess at some time I really will get it all figured out.

Love you... I'm going to go now!

Post 2 of Today.

Yep, that's right, I'm writing post number two. In three, two--Oh wait, that doesn't work with this kind of thing. I am really hating myself right now. No, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid, but I really wanna just figure this stupid life-puzzle out. As you can probably tell, I am pretty angry I right now. Things are feeling kind of tense and quiet right now, and I feel kind of warm even without my jacket on. I feel a major migraine coming on. Too bad I have my SEOP today, otherwise I'd just go home and sleep. Yes, that would be nice.

akdpafoieuarpncoxkjdsf;lceajd;flakjd;lfkj;asdljcnm (thanks Sara ;)

Dang it. I thought I had most of this figured out after that last blog entry, but I kind of figured out at lunch that I kind of am still in the freakin' ditch. I would much rather forget about anything that ever happened with guys and just wait for them to come to me. I got called desperate today. It sucked, because I know for a fact that it may as well have been said from my own mouth.

As of the last post, you all know that I have MAJOR crushes on these two guys right now, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I'm going to try not to go on and on about this, but it's really important for those of you who are reading this that if you have any ideas of what I should do to comment with them. I would really appreciate anything, accept for hate-stuff.

This is going to be all about who to pick from now on. I know all of the pros and cons of both choices, but I don't understand who I should pick because they are both amazing people for millions of reasons. I have been thinking about this all day, ever since second period when I saw his eyes sparkling again (they were GORGEOUS). I've been on and off of it all day. I'm acting like I'm on some drug, but honestly, I'm LDS, and any drug is VERY VERY VERY VERY bad for you, and another thing; I'm a good girl.

Here's a little detail: They used to both have girlfriends, and now there's only one that does. Still, it sucks because I am practically madly in love with both of them. Even though having one of them free helps a little bit, the one that I really want to be with is still dating.
Wish me luck with my boy-strike tomorrow.
Love,
Emma.

Lust or Love?????

Well, I'm kind of tired right now.... but I mightaswell write something. And actually, I know exactly what I'm going to write about. Recently, guys have been very very very confusing for me. Dang it! There's another guy on my list. What's so horrible about that? I'll answer that question for you, right now. It's my best friends brother. I'm not giving ages, but I will tell you that he's six years older than me. So, basically, he's an adult, and I'm not an adult, so that poses some problems.

My friend just recently found out and she can't seem to understand that I have a small--if not big crush on her older brother. Everything I like about him, is something she doesn't like about him. Here, for your convencience, and to get it out, I'll write precisely what I think about him--more like why I like him.

My Reasons:

• He's nice
• He's funny
• He actually talks to me when I'm at my friends house when all of my other friends brothers have just ignored me.
• I don't know, maybe it's the fact that he's older, but I was talking to my grandma who also knows him and my friend, and she said he was actually very mature for his age. I'm not doubting that because of his age, but I'm sure it has at least a tiny bit of effect for me liking him.
• He tests the limits. When he was giving me a ride home on Christmas day he kept on slamming on the breaks. I love danger.
• He's cute... but everybody knows that's just a bonus.

I've been feeling so guilty about this for the past almost two weeks I've liked him, but thanks for those of you who are actually reading this instead of just opening the page. I need someone who would be willing to talk to me through the night, because I haven't been able to sleep for the past couple nights because of that guilt. Yesterday, one of my close, but not best friends actually had the audacity to ask me if I loved him. I told her I didn't know, but I actually did hesitate. Last night I was thinking about it, and I don't really know if it's possible, but I think I may well be in love with two guys right now.

I haven't known her brother for very long, but this is a very strong feeling. Whenever I'm alone in a room with him that's out in the open, I feel really warm, and actually feel like I live there and I'm at home. Then with the minnow (as me and my best friend call him), I get the same feelings. Ugh! Every time I look into his eyes that are so dark, and so confusing like Dante's in the Hourglass Door. I feel like I don't understand him at all.

Sorry to go back to the first guy, but I had to say something about something I noticed. He just broke up with his girlfriend a couple days ago for personal reasons (that I know), and he's been kind of sad lately. He seems really grumpy. Yesterday when I was at his and my friends house, I noticed he was looking at me a lot..... I guess I just got myself into a bigger situation.

LOVE,

Emma Susan 

The Confused,

Full of Sorrow,

Annoyed by this neusance,

Tibbitts.