Here I am again

Sorry I keep writing today, but I've been doing a lot of things that have been making me think a lot. Maybe that's why I woke up smiling. I was going through and reading all of the past posts that I've written in this, and it's actually really surprising me how much I've changed since Sep. 30 when i first started writing to you guys. I've actually grown a new respect for all of the people I haven't really gotten along with before because I have gotten a lot better at really understanding what they're going through.

I have been so tired today, probably because of all of the thinking and serious discussion with myself I've had. I am seriously dying here, because I just want to find out what magical thing is going to happen today. I feel like I'm writing every five seconds because of how nervous I am. Sometimes when I get the chills something really bad happens and I end up almost having a heart attack.

I really hope all of you are enjoying all of my writing, it's seriously killing my wrists to write all of this, but I guess it's the only way to get all of this out of my head. I'll probably put all of this in some story I write, but for now I'm just going to rant on and on to all of you guys. I may seem stupid to some people, but I've been told I am really smart for my age.

Kk I'm getting really tired, but I may be back in five minutes with some other tidbit of wisdom. Thanks for everything everybody(:

Em(: <3

Clouds....

I just found this in my drafts(:

'Okay, this post isn't going to be about actual clouds, but you know how some people say that when you're in love and really happy you're floating on cloud 9? Yeah, that's definitely me right now. I have been floating on Cloud 9 on and off for a long time lately.I know all of my past three posts have been pretty depressing and all, so I am going to write about some pretty happy stuff today :)
For most of the day I was feeling really happy. For some reason, being in certain people's presence makes me get that way. Especially when they enjoy talking to you as much as you do talking to them.'

hahaha bull crap to cloud 9:) I don't really need to be on a cloud to be happy! <3

Memories

I've realized that no matter how bittersweet, or sad memories can be... I think they're always worth it. I've recently been thinking about all of the dumb--more like stupid--and plain upsetting things I've either thought or done over the past three or four years... and I'm telling you the list isn't short. I've been so depressed lately, and now I kind of realized it's one, because I'm expecting life to move too fast; and two, I've kind of been holding onto the past too much. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in a situation is to let go of what you love the most. I've been hanging onto things like that because one day I was hoping that it would all go back to the way it was before. But, as Aslan says in the second movie of Narnia 'nothing ever happens the same way twice.' I guess that's kind of what I've been expecting to happen with all of these guys. I've expected things to just fall into place like a good novel. I guess it's like Northanger Abbey. Sometimes I guess I wish I lived inside of a novel. You know, having whatever you want even with all of the challenges that people have to go through to get them. I really didn't realize how much work it takes to really get everything to that perfect time when all of it seems to fit together like a puzzle. I'm still not all the way there, but I am getting closer(:

Well, I'm Back

I am now writing again, because I really have nothing better to do. It isn't that I don't like writing, it's just that I've kind of been thinking about all of this stuff that I wrote about earlier, and I'm just wishing I stop thinking about it because it is bugging me to death. I'm sitting at home watching Roderick Rules because I was having trouble concentrating anyway and what I usually do when that happens is sit around and pretend I'm concentrating on something.

Since my birthday is coming up, I've been thinking a lot about what I want, but nothing is coming to mind. It isn't that I'm completely happy with life, its more of the fact that I can't really concentrate like I said before. There are a few things that I know I want though. Like a keyboard, a weber state hoodie, and this blog to be made into a book so I can read it over and over without getting the headaches you get from a computer.

I decided a little while ago that after I finish ninth grade I'm going to start a new blog for next year, and so on just so I can keep track of what happened in each year instead of having it all jumbled together in one big book. Smart, huh. I'm thinking about combining both blogs into one book so it's longer, but I think I'll do two separate books in order to make sure I know what happened in one depressing part and one just thinking part of my life.

I've actually been having a lot of epiphanies lately, and it's really starting to get on my nerves because I was asking to make my life better, but not really have all of the ideas to come barreling at me at once. I'd rather have one idea at a time until I get that one figured out and then another one come at me after that so I have time to catch up with myself.

I woke up this morning so refreshed, and so happy that nothing could sway me from the smile on my face. I'm not even sure why I was smiling, because nothing completely amazing happened to me, but I guess it could be that something amazing is going to happen, because sometimes that's how it works. Sometimes I just wish I could take a time machine and see how everything will turn out in my life. My career, my husband, my family, my home... I just wish that it was possible.

I know sometimes I may seem crazy, but I once heard a quote that said 'a bird can't fly too high if he's using his own wings, and I know it's all metaphorical and stuff, but it really took a place in my heart because it gives me hope to believe in a lot more than I have without that quote. I don't remember who wrote it, but it brings me up when I feel super down.

Wish me luck on something amazing happening today! <3
Em

Wow.

It's been awhile! Sorry guys, I just made another blog a little while ago, about some more personal stuff... i'm not sure why though. I'm glad to be back! Let's see... updates on life. I'm now almost fifteen, and I'm way excited. The legal age for my permit, and also going to high school!(: I like a guy that I met just a little while ago--like a couple weeks, and you could say that we're kind of sweethearts if you want to look at it that way. Why, because I recently found out that he feels the same way about me.

I am so happy, because for once in my life it seems like everything is finally going at least a little bit how I planned instead of completely backfiring every single step I take to get to where I want to go. I've been writing a lot of songs lately, about reflection and looking back on everything I can see every single mistake I've made, and I am so happy that I now have the strength and will to change that to be a better person. I had  a little power struggle with some internal stuff back there for awhile, but now I feel completely healed and energized like I'm able to do everything that I wanted.

I don't remember what I wrote about the last time I wrote because it was so long ago, but what I do know is that whatever depressing stuff I was saying or going through doesn't even phase me now. It is seriously like a meteor hit the earth, and turned everything upside down. I can't stop smiling now because of how happy I am. I haven't really gotten all of my issues under control, but that isn't what really matters to me right now. All that matters is that I'm taking life the way I want it, and not the way the devil does.

I feel so strong right now, like nothing can bring me down but I know that isn't true. I guess at one point all of that will come back, but for now I decided I'm going to live in the moment, but still think through my decisions carefully instead of just winging it like I used to do. I guess that's what kind of ruined all of my relationships before was that I was to straight forward. I'm not talking about drawing back completely, but kind of talking less about how much I like this person or that person.

I have to leave now, but I'll write more in a couple hours or so. I love every single one of you for helping me get through this.

Emma <3 (: