Happiness

I just decided I need to write something happy for a change. Everything I've been writing lately, or at least for the most part has been really depressing so I have officially decided to get out of this 'challenging time' by thinking about happy things instead of all of the horrible things that are happening to me right now. I'm really sorry about all of my negativity. i really try to be positive, but I've been really stressed and emotionally down lately--I'm not saying that's a reasonable excuse for my actions, but I just want to let you guys know that when I'm in a good mood I think nothing about the negative. I got to be the sun in Science for a demonstration and now my nickname is Sunny because of that. I guess I'll have to try better than I am because I'm not even smiling right now. I'm flat-lipped, and I don't think that will change for a while--Dang! I'm still being negative. Somebody please slap me.
Lately I've taken up writing letters to somebody who is very dear to me even though I have known him only since August. I explain my feelings over and over again hoping that one day he'll just catch the hint and do something about it instead of making me take all of the effort to make things work out between us. I just wish it were easier to say things that are really important to me. I know I ask a lot of questions, but I need to know the answer to this age old question. Why are guys so confusing?!?! Somebody has to know the answer. Are they trying to be mysterious? Is he shy? Does he even really know I exist because sometimes I feel like I'm invisible to him.
I'm amazed by everything he does. Every time he makes me smile; every time he makes me laugh it makes me want to scream to think that he has no idea how deeply I really feel. He flirts with other girls right in front of me so much it proves even more that he has no idea. I said I was going to write about something happy so there's going to be a brief intermission....
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Alright, I'm back... here are some things that I thought of that should make me happy, but whenever I think of them, they make me think of something that brings me back into my depressed situation.

1. Flowers--Especially roses.  Roses should make me happy because they are so beautiful and they are my favorite flower, but thing is, they make me think of how much I want a guy to give me roses to show me how much he really cares. Thus, they either don't know that, or they don't really care. I'm not sure which one it is, but for right now, I'm going with number one to make myself feel happier.
2. Music--Yes, I do love music, but when I think of certain songs they make me feel especially upset because any song I listen to makes me feel extremely upset because they all also remind me of special people that may never know how I really feel.
3. Poetry. Most poems are really beautiful but ever since certain experiences that I won't go into time to explain, I haven't ever seemed to look at certain poems the same. The moment moved me so much that it put me in a funk of it's own and every time I look at that book I'm either really happy or really depressed. Today, thankfully, it made me smile for a change.
4. Dante. Yes, Dante has made me both sad and happy. Happy because of how amazing he is to the people he loves and the fact that he'd risk his life just for that, but sad because I know I probably won't be able to find somebody exactly like him no matter how hard I try. I am going to try to get as close as I can though, and I think I've found a pretty close match.

Recently, I've written a lot of poems about my feelings as well as some of you may know. They're very deep, and some of them are really depressing, but that was how I was feeling at the moment. Some of them I've translated them into Italian because the Italian language seems very romantic to me, and it's very beautiful which is why I'm learning it.

Every time I see him it either brings a smile to my face or makes me cry at the worst. I feel like I've fallen in love for real for the first time. I know perfectly well how old I am, and how crazy that sounds to some people, but I really think I'm telling the truth this time. Don't call me crazy. We were sent to this earth with our free agency, and this is what I'm choosing to believe right now, even though it may be really important that I be careful. 

Honestly, I do know how much I could get hurt if I believe in myself too much, but I want to have as much hope as I can if this is all going to work out. I'm on the verge of doing something very important and I need the courage, so please, have faith in me no matter how stupid you may think what I'm going to do may be for those of you who know what I'm doing, I just want to let you know that I had to do it at some point, and I figured that sooner was a lot better than later.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same--well, actually it does to me, but that's not the point here. I'm sure you've all heard this...

If you love someone, let them go; if the come back, they were always yours; if they don't, they never were.

Author Unknown

Jealousy and Hate

"Hate, is the face of jealousy." someone very wise once said. I personally, am really having trouble dealing with that right now. No, I don't hate anyone, but there are certain people I'm really jealous of. I don't know how to explain it. When some girl even talks about something, or even just jokes around with the guy I like, I tend to get really jealous and I can't handle it very well.

 I try not to let it get to me. Really, I'm just wishing that I could talk to this certain person more than I am right now. I feel like we're friends and all, but honestly, I want him to like me even more than anyone could ever imagine. I've been so stressed out lately about making the right impression and impressing him but I'm not really changing myself at all. Maybe he just isn't interested in me the way I am in him?

 Maybe I've been assuming things that aren't even partially true to be. I know some people think that I think of a guy that I like as just an object, but no, that's a lie. Like Jasmine said to her dad, "I am not a prize to be won!" I don't think of boys as prizes. I think about them and their individuality. 

Their awesomeness, and how they get along with me. That's all I think about. I want someone who will treat me right and who will accept me for me no matter what the circumstance. 

Like I've said time and time, maybe a million times over. Everyday I go home wishing he were there holding me in his arms and never letting go. I know it may seem like I'm kind of clingy, and I do know I am, I promise which is the reason why--or at least the reason why I assume that no guys have acted interested. Maybe I'm not good looking enough--because that's what seems to be the base of every guys reason for liking a girl nowadays. I'm sorry to all of the boys that aren't like that, but that's what it seems the majority of the male population are doing these days.

I'm kind of shy when I'm around people that mean a lot to me, and that can be a major problem especially when you need to get a really important message across to a very important person. It makes it even harder when you believe that you don't mean to them as much as they do to you. Throughout life I've been caught in a lot of love-traps that have seemed inescapable, but somehow I've always found my way back out of the funk I land in. Still though, I doubt this one will be as easy as all of the others.

He makes me feel like some guy actually cares what I have to say and he never says "Okay", "um", or "Yeah." He actually listens to what I have to say when I want to say it. He seems so perfect for me, but I almost always find him looking at someone else, when I was so sure he was staring at me just five seconds earlier. Guys are so confusing. I don't even know why I always manage to get myself stuck being in love with them. I'm not really sure what it is with me, but I always start liking a guy at the worst times. For instance, I started liking this guy right when I was in the middle of getting over another guy that I thought was completely out of my life. He is now, and I have somebody else even more important. Someone that I believe will be able to heal all of the hurt, even if it means he has to bring me to the truth before that. I've always been looking for someone who will always be there whenever I need comfort. Somebody that will take me to a happy place where I can truly be who I want to be. Let me rephrase that. I need someone to be there when I'm having a difficult time believing in myself and need a pick-me-up.

Well, it looks like my writer's block is gone now, or maybe I was just thinking really deeply and it will be gone by tomorrow.

With Love,

Emma

Writer's Block

Ah, the dreadful experiences of Writers' Block. Will it ever end? It's so dumb, I can't even think of anything to write on this dumb blog post, but maybe it will take me back into the writing swing. I used to be able to write like three page blog-posts, but now I can't really think of anything to write about, so I'm just going to wing it and see how it goes. Well, here goes... I might end up writing a song, and I just want to tell you all of this is Copyrighted :)

I don't really know how to explain how I'm feeling in poetry right now, or in the right words, so I probably won't go to a poem right away. I'm just going to not even go there. Instead, I'll talk about the past few days and thanksgiving and stuff.

For the past few days I haven't been able to sleep, so I've stayed up watching TV shows. More specifically crime TV shows. Even more specifically Criminal Minds, CSI, CSI Miami. Yes, I think I've found my new love. It's not that I didn't love them before, but now, I have a better appreciation for the detectives that solve all of our crimes.

I don't know how many of you watch Criminal Minds regularly, but I watched one the other day called Hope. It was about a girl that got kidnapped by this man because he new she was going to grow into a beautiful young woman. He married her, and then when she died he kidnapped Hope's mother. It was kind of a disturbing episode, but I still enjoyed it because the guy did learn a lesson in the end. 

That morning, (I haven't really gotten enough sleep in three days) I watched all of the episodes of Criminal Minds they had on CBS.com. There were only like three, but I watched all of them. It kind of gave me nightmares because of how creepy one of them was. It was called There's no place like home. Probably one of the creepiest things I have ever seen. I am never watching that one again.

Hey look, I'm actually writing something! Who knew that writing about what I did could actually spark something? I did, actually. So, I've been trying to write a good murder mystery, but I haven't really been sure how to start it. It's about a gold-digger guy who kills his wives when they run out of money. I know that it's really barbaric, but he doesn't like stab them repeatedly like in the CSI Miami episode I watched this morning. 

Wow, sorry to get off of subject, but I'm watching Iron Man, and this guy is so creepy. He's such a traitor and I just decided I hate him. But one thing I will say is, Iron Man/Stark is so handsome. (I'm not going to say hott, because I don't like to be called hot myself). But, I do have to admit, he really is.

I think I'm almost done here, because I'm kind of just rambling right now, and I know it sometimes gets annoying when I do that, so until later, maybe I'll be off this writers block.

The Letter.....

So, here's a letter I wrote... it's kind of aimed at the guy I like, and it's for my new book Angel Eyes. I know you aren't supposed to be working on more books than one at a time, but me, I have to work on this because it's about the guy I like from my point of view. I hope you like it!

            Dear, Randy/Erroll, 

            Well, if you didn’t know before, now you do! YOU ARE RANDY. Judging by how much I talk about Randy, you probably now know how much you mean to me; but just for the sake of it, let me write you this letter, and have you read it if you’d be so kind. Let me start by explaining something. No, it isn’t that I like you because I think you look like Randy, it’s because you are Randy to me. Let me explain.

Throughout the summer, after I read the Hourglass Door I made it my plan to find someone who would love me the way Dante loved Abbey in the Hourglass Door. I know we just barely met this year, and you barely know me, but I think I’ve found him. That is, found you; if you know what I mean. At the beginning of the year, I couldn’t stop looking at you—well, more like staring.

One other thing I should get straight with you; I don’t like you just because you’re handsome! That’s not the only reason I like you, I always like to refer to good looks as a bonus. The very first thing I noticed about you was you’re awesome way with people. You always have someone talking to you. Not saying it’s a bad thing—it’s actually a very good thing, but it makes it extremely hard for me to talk to you as much as I want to—as much as I need to, to really get to know you.

From what I know, and what my friends have said to me, it seems to me that you like me too. Thing is, I’m way too scared to ask you, because I always seem to have a crush on the guys that are ‘high on the popular food-chain’. Me, I’m kind of popular, but as we both know, I’m not the sharpest blade in the drawer. I never was, will never be, but I wanted to thank you for all of the respect and kindness you’ve showed. I just want to tell you I may not deserve it all the time. Also, all of the times I’ve said anything about you always needing help, I was just kidding and trying to flirt—which as you can tell, I’m not very good at.

I know that you supposedly don’t like anyone, but just to let you know, if you don’t like me you’re certainly leading me on. I’d much rather know the truth and be hurt about it that not know, and live in the dark. I want to know. Do you really like me, or am I living in some fantasy that I’ve invented for myself that you happen to be a big part of?

I won’t even try to tell you how much I like you. It would take too many words, and I’m already working on the novel that’s from my point of view. Obviously, I can’t do it from yours, because one, I don’t know what your point of view is, and two, well; I guess there isn’t really a number two.

Think about it, the girl you like goes around talking about her crush all the time… I know you ‘don’t like anyone’, but for the sake of this, think about it. How does it feel to feel so deeply about someone and then you find out they’ve had a girlfriend, and they aren’t even thinking a drop about you. I don’t know if that’s the situation here, but I just want to let you know that I go home every night thinking of things that could happen between you and I, and then I realize that you probably don’t even think of me.

So please, if you feel anything even a little bit close to compare with what I’m going through, watching you flirt aimlessly with other girls, tell me. Like I said, I’d rather be hurt by the truth, then unaware in the dark.

Love,

Emma (Susan) Tibbitts

 *NAMES ARE ALL CHANGED EXCEPT FOR MINE!

Post #2 of 11/11/11

Well, thanks.... my 11/11/11 wish is making me think a lot more now. Still, you gotta love love :)


You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them chills 

I do believe this part of love the way you lie totally explains how I'm feeling. I wish it were easier to talk to him. I think it's just because he's around his friends all the time, and he's kind of a ladies-man. If the guy I like happens to know I' like him, and he's reading this... I'd really appreciate it if you talked to me more often then just an occasional hello. 


Also, I am so angry at the moment. Just restarted my computer, and it deleted all of my freakin' typing! If I remember it later, I'll retype it but for now, I'll just tell you it was probably about Dante. Real or fake. (probably both) and how grateful I am that all of  you wonderful people I love to call my friends listen to my jabbering about either him or some other crush I have. It's good to know I have people I can go to that will (mostly) always be there to listen to me rant on and on about my troubles that I shouldn't even really be troubled about yet... I am only fourteen. But whatever.


Thing is, I think I'm going to be up all night, so if you would be willing to, I know it's almost morning right now, but (if you have my #) text me because I need someone's or lots of somebody's advice on a certain predicament I'm in. I like two best friends and I can't pick which one I like more.... I know I don't really need to pick one, but I don't want to be recognized as a cheater. I want people to recognize me as a faithful girl who doesn't watch other boys when she has a perfectly kind and courteous (handsome is just a plus)  right next to her--Well, currently Emma (me) doesn't because she's not sixteen, but for future references.


I love guys and all, but the stress I could totally deal without. No offense to any guy out there--like all of my friends that are guys (which are few :( ) but how can you guys be so bipolar. You say one thing one day, and the next day you act as if you never said it in the first place. I need some serious help. I'm gonna try to get some shut eye. Thanks for all you do.


Love you lots, (again)


Emma Susan (hey look, I gave you my middle name!) Tibbitts :D

Well, just a few hours ago, I got a request from somebody to do a blog post (Thanks Matt :-) and so, I decided I'd try my best to write something interesting for you guys to read. I'm about to turn on Good Luck Charlie, one of my favorite TV shows on Disney Channel, but, since I don't have cable, I'm watching it on Disney.com. Oh, lovely disney.com :) It is currently 11/11/11 and 10:38 (when I typed that) and I've already made my wish, but for good measure I'm going to make the wish again at the next 11:11 which is currently about twenty minute from now. I really hope this wish comes true because it's what I want most, and I'm pretty sure I'm in love with this new guy I have a crush on. He is amazing. Most of you guys know who he is, but for those of you who don't, I'm sure you'll find out soon enough. :D Mwahahaha :D I love secrets. You know the rhyme "Secrets, secrets are no fun. Secrets are for everyone!" Well, I don't believe that.... I think it's totally okay to keep certain secrets, as long as they're not too serious. I have lots of those. Maybe I'll let 'em out someday, but for now, I'll keep 'um to myself. :D Sorry this entry is so short, I should probably go to sleep soon :D Love you guys... and certain other people...
<3/ Emma

Hmmmm.......

Well, I'm in Geography again, and not really paying attention. I was just thinking about how confusing guys can be, and how you can think you don't like them anymore, but you actually do. No, I'm not talking about 'OF' for those of you who know who I'm talking about, but for those of you who do, we all know that could very well change at some point in time. I hate it how when you think you have your mind made up, but then something happens and it totally changes your mind. (Okay, maybe I might be switching a little bit over to 'OF', but that doesn't really necessarily mean I like him again)

This kind of has to do with your blog-post (if you know who you are)... about the corn-maze.

So, I was hanging out with my friend who I'll call my love doctor, because I always listen to her advice because it is WAY amazing and I love how well she listens. So, as I was saying, I was hanging out with my best-friend/love doctor, and we started talking about the subject of this post, a guy we like to call 'OF' and some other things.... (JUST A SIDE-NOTE... O.F. stands for Our Friend) and how we were going to hang out with each-other at the corn maze