Bored.

Well, yes I am really bored as the title says. It's not even a day since I wrote, but I'm pretty bored right now and I don't have anything going on or planned for awhile so I guess I'll just write. Ever since the moment I woke up I have had so much on my mind and I'm  not quite sure how to get it out. Right now I'm watching Fruits Basket and I'm kinda falling for another anime guy, but I'm pretty sure Tamaki is always going to be my only love. I know it's really dumb to think about a pretend character but I can't really help it. He's just everything I want in a guy and I keep on finding all these guys in real life that are exactly like him. Every time I see his face I smile, without even thinking. I know most people out there wouldn't understand how it really is, but for the people who really do I'm grateful.

I'm not sure where to go on from here... there are all those guys out there and the two friends brothers that I like but I'm not really sure what all of life means at the moment. There is just so much crap that I don't understand, making it nearly even more impossible to think. I guess the point is, is that I need some direction. Praying helps, but I think what I need is my patriarchal blessing because that is direction meant for me(: Anyway, back to the point. Last night at dinner I found yet another Tamaki (he was one of the waiters)  and all we exchanged was smiles. I guess that's probably a good thing because he was like six or seven years older than me. I know I'll find my true love one day, but for now I guess I've just gotta keep dreaming about it.

Sometimes I wish it were easier... without all of this crap... doubting myself, my future, what I'll turn out to be. I'm really surprised about how much an anime show can make you think but I guess it's because she's a natural thinker and in a way I'm kind of like her like that, It's making me wonder though... could it mean something that I'm thinking about all of this right now, like I'm supposed to be getting something out of this. In a way it's bringing me a lot of good cheer as-well, knowing that something is totally bound to happen but I have no idea what it is yet. I've written forever, so I'm going to go for now but I'll probably be back later with more(:
Love, Always,
Emma Suoh <3

New Crush, Starting Over

Well, for awhile I liked this guy but now that I'm over him I like two other guys. The really dumb thing is that they are both my friends older brothers. One of them is sixteen, the other one is nineteen. (Some of you will know who I'm talking about.) One of those crushes just started today and I'm not quite even sure why I like him yet. I mean, he has gorgeous eyes and he's so nice, and he loves anime like me... and yeah. I guess I sorta just explained all of it, but I'm still kind of confused. He's different... but in a good way and I can't help but smile when I think about how we met. Me and my friend were just sitting in her room watching Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and then her brother walks in. He doesn't really say much except for hi and tell me that I should watch it.. but he was so sweet, and it was so easy to talk to him that I can't help it. He's so different from the other guy I like. So much easier to talk to... so much friendlier and he doesn't like I'm an idiot. Too bad he likes another girl... figures so does my other crush. I guess I just need to face the fact that I'm not gonna find my husband at the age of fifteen and I need to really keep my focus on what I was before. I'll write more as soon as I can, but right now I gotta go to a wedding. <3
Deepest love to everybody. Especially Tamaki Suoh(: <3
Emma

3. 2. 1.

Well, I'm back to writing again, and I have a ton on my mind. I'm not sure how I'm going to get it all out though. I've been thinking a lot about how I've been focusing too much on guys, and how I need to get my focus on other things like my future. To give you guys an idea of what I want to happen--stuff that's actually possible I'll make you a list of things that I really want to happen.

My List:

• Graduate from college with three majors
• English
• Psychology
• Anything else my mind comes up with in High School
• Move to Italy-- It's always been my dream to move there, because it's the most beautiful place in the world <3
• Get Married. Of course, it's every girls dream to get married--well almost every girls dream.

See, with the last one my problem is that I'm always thinking too far into the future, and I kinda need to get myself to college, and get my book published first. If you notice, my past blogs have all been about what's going on in the guys segment of life, but I kinda decided as of a few days ago that I wouldn't do that anymore. Now, I need to focus myself on getting to college.

No offense to all the boys out there, but I'm in the need to kinda forget about most of them and just let myself live this life without all the problems they cause me and think about the dreams that I want to come true--not just the ones that involve guys but mostly the ones that involve my future plans like my job and everything.

I must be off, but I thank all of you who take the time to read what I write.

Love,

Emma <3

Here I am again

Sorry I keep writing today, but I've been doing a lot of things that have been making me think a lot. Maybe that's why I woke up smiling. I was going through and reading all of the past posts that I've written in this, and it's actually really surprising me how much I've changed since Sep. 30 when i first started writing to you guys. I've actually grown a new respect for all of the people I haven't really gotten along with before because I have gotten a lot better at really understanding what they're going through.

I have been so tired today, probably because of all of the thinking and serious discussion with myself I've had. I am seriously dying here, because I just want to find out what magical thing is going to happen today. I feel like I'm writing every five seconds because of how nervous I am. Sometimes when I get the chills something really bad happens and I end up almost having a heart attack.

I really hope all of you are enjoying all of my writing, it's seriously killing my wrists to write all of this, but I guess it's the only way to get all of this out of my head. I'll probably put all of this in some story I write, but for now I'm just going to rant on and on to all of you guys. I may seem stupid to some people, but I've been told I am really smart for my age.

Kk I'm getting really tired, but I may be back in five minutes with some other tidbit of wisdom. Thanks for everything everybody(:

Em(: <3

Clouds....

I just found this in my drafts(:

'Okay, this post isn't going to be about actual clouds, but you know how some people say that when you're in love and really happy you're floating on cloud 9? Yeah, that's definitely me right now. I have been floating on Cloud 9 on and off for a long time lately.I know all of my past three posts have been pretty depressing and all, so I am going to write about some pretty happy stuff today :)
For most of the day I was feeling really happy. For some reason, being in certain people's presence makes me get that way. Especially when they enjoy talking to you as much as you do talking to them.'

hahaha bull crap to cloud 9:) I don't really need to be on a cloud to be happy! <3

Memories

I've realized that no matter how bittersweet, or sad memories can be... I think they're always worth it. I've recently been thinking about all of the dumb--more like stupid--and plain upsetting things I've either thought or done over the past three or four years... and I'm telling you the list isn't short. I've been so depressed lately, and now I kind of realized it's one, because I'm expecting life to move too fast; and two, I've kind of been holding onto the past too much. Sometimes the hardest thing to do in a situation is to let go of what you love the most. I've been hanging onto things like that because one day I was hoping that it would all go back to the way it was before. But, as Aslan says in the second movie of Narnia 'nothing ever happens the same way twice.' I guess that's kind of what I've been expecting to happen with all of these guys. I've expected things to just fall into place like a good novel. I guess it's like Northanger Abbey. Sometimes I guess I wish I lived inside of a novel. You know, having whatever you want even with all of the challenges that people have to go through to get them. I really didn't realize how much work it takes to really get everything to that perfect time when all of it seems to fit together like a puzzle. I'm still not all the way there, but I am getting closer(:

Well, I'm Back

I am now writing again, because I really have nothing better to do. It isn't that I don't like writing, it's just that I've kind of been thinking about all of this stuff that I wrote about earlier, and I'm just wishing I stop thinking about it because it is bugging me to death. I'm sitting at home watching Roderick Rules because I was having trouble concentrating anyway and what I usually do when that happens is sit around and pretend I'm concentrating on something.

Since my birthday is coming up, I've been thinking a lot about what I want, but nothing is coming to mind. It isn't that I'm completely happy with life, its more of the fact that I can't really concentrate like I said before. There are a few things that I know I want though. Like a keyboard, a weber state hoodie, and this blog to be made into a book so I can read it over and over without getting the headaches you get from a computer.

I decided a little while ago that after I finish ninth grade I'm going to start a new blog for next year, and so on just so I can keep track of what happened in each year instead of having it all jumbled together in one big book. Smart, huh. I'm thinking about combining both blogs into one book so it's longer, but I think I'll do two separate books in order to make sure I know what happened in one depressing part and one just thinking part of my life.

I've actually been having a lot of epiphanies lately, and it's really starting to get on my nerves because I was asking to make my life better, but not really have all of the ideas to come barreling at me at once. I'd rather have one idea at a time until I get that one figured out and then another one come at me after that so I have time to catch up with myself.

I woke up this morning so refreshed, and so happy that nothing could sway me from the smile on my face. I'm not even sure why I was smiling, because nothing completely amazing happened to me, but I guess it could be that something amazing is going to happen, because sometimes that's how it works. Sometimes I just wish I could take a time machine and see how everything will turn out in my life. My career, my husband, my family, my home... I just wish that it was possible.

I know sometimes I may seem crazy, but I once heard a quote that said 'a bird can't fly too high if he's using his own wings, and I know it's all metaphorical and stuff, but it really took a place in my heart because it gives me hope to believe in a lot more than I have without that quote. I don't remember who wrote it, but it brings me up when I feel super down.

Wish me luck on something amazing happening today! <3
Em

Wow.

It's been awhile! Sorry guys, I just made another blog a little while ago, about some more personal stuff... i'm not sure why though. I'm glad to be back! Let's see... updates on life. I'm now almost fifteen, and I'm way excited. The legal age for my permit, and also going to high school!(: I like a guy that I met just a little while ago--like a couple weeks, and you could say that we're kind of sweethearts if you want to look at it that way. Why, because I recently found out that he feels the same way about me.

I am so happy, because for once in my life it seems like everything is finally going at least a little bit how I planned instead of completely backfiring every single step I take to get to where I want to go. I've been writing a lot of songs lately, about reflection and looking back on everything I can see every single mistake I've made, and I am so happy that I now have the strength and will to change that to be a better person. I had  a little power struggle with some internal stuff back there for awhile, but now I feel completely healed and energized like I'm able to do everything that I wanted.

I don't remember what I wrote about the last time I wrote because it was so long ago, but what I do know is that whatever depressing stuff I was saying or going through doesn't even phase me now. It is seriously like a meteor hit the earth, and turned everything upside down. I can't stop smiling now because of how happy I am. I haven't really gotten all of my issues under control, but that isn't what really matters to me right now. All that matters is that I'm taking life the way I want it, and not the way the devil does.

I feel so strong right now, like nothing can bring me down but I know that isn't true. I guess at one point all of that will come back, but for now I decided I'm going to live in the moment, but still think through my decisions carefully instead of just winging it like I used to do. I guess that's what kind of ruined all of my relationships before was that I was to straight forward. I'm not talking about drawing back completely, but kind of talking less about how much I like this person or that person.

I have to leave now, but I'll write more in a couple hours or so. I love every single one of you for helping me get through this.

Emma <3 (:

4:00 AM

Yes, I am still awake. It's funny, because most of the time when I try to pull an all nighter I just end up falling asleep from exhaustion, but now I'm kind of wanting to go to bed and this is the time when my body decides to pull an all nighter. Sorry if I'm annoying you guys, but this is really getting on my nerves as well. I have another episode of CSI on, but I'm still having a lack of concentration. This is so hard for me to deal with. Ever since Saturday, I've been thinking a lot about my ex-boyfriend. Problem is, he likes my best friend now. Well, it's so gerat to get this out. I should probably be putting this on my top-secret blog that no one reads, but I'm being nice today and you can all hear about my tragic love story. Or more like plural love stories. I'm so sick of everything. He's in love with my really close friend. She's practically exactly the same as me, and ugh! I didn't even realize I liked him this much until now. I've pretended to hate him for so long that when I finally started thinking about it, all of that hate I let boil up inside of me was really only leading in the opposite direction I wanted it to. He told me that our relationship was on pause and that he wasn't sure how long it would be on pause before he was ready to give me another chance. I am so exhausted. Physically, and emotionally and the sleep WILL NOT COME no matter how hard I try. This episode is very entertaining but I keep on zoning out... and then when I zone out, it's really annoying because I lose track of everything that's happening in the show. Still, all that matters is that I catch up I guess. I do realize that I really do need at least some sleep, so I'll probably just get it in Seminary. I do love that class, but it's really the only sleep I'd possibly even have a chance of getting some rest in. I'm kind of angry right now... and I don't really know why. I thought I'd gotten over all of the angry feelings I was having last week, but apparently I was not even close to the end.  Haha I love this show... It adds humor to the crime. Yes, yes it does. I feel like I'm on opposite laughing gas... I'm so depressed for absolutely no reason. I swear I could write a novel with all of the posts I'm writing today, so I'm going to try not to write very much more, but I wish you guys all have good days even if I don't!

Love Y'all!
Emma

Sleeping Meds, Anybody?

Well, sleep has not fallen yet, as you may be aware by my typing another post at this early hour. I know it's only been an hour or so since I last posted, but I've still got a lot on my mind even if it doesn't really make sense to me at the moment right now. So, I've turned on another Criminal Minds that I am already deeply caught up into even though it just barely started. The only problem is all of the freakin' commercials. I am so tired of life right now. I'm not really speaking of doing anything dangerous, I wish I could just hibernate like a bear. You know, escape from the world for awhile. This show is so easy for me to figure out. Like when I just barely start watching it I can already tell who the criminal is. Even before the show tells you that's who it is. Wow... Sometimes the criminals on these shows happen to be so adorable!!!! And the victims. Like on the CSI I was watching before the guy that died was adorable. He was a very bad guy... but usually the guy that is the most horrible are the ones that you seem to like the most. This guy... Now, he's a babe. His name is Brandon, and he's kind of the bad boy type, but I love him. Maybe it's because he reminds me of this certain guy that I used to--and maybe still do like. Ooh... This is exciting... a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend.... alone. What is going on here? Ooh, he just got dissed. No more girlfriend for him! Sorry about my rambling on right now, I've just got a lot to figure out and sometimes rambling acutally helps me clear my head. Even though sometimes it just stresses me out. I'm thinking maybe I should try to get some sleep, but I'm too scared to even try in fear of having another nightmare about death or someone special dying. This is just a little bit too dramatic for me. I'm really in need of a long hibernation. Or... better yet, I could get some lavender flavored bath scent and maybe some mint, and eat some chocolate. Anybody want to give me some? I'd really appreciate it. I'll probably write more in an hour or so...
Till THEN....
Emma

Well I'm Back Again...

Look at the time. OMG!It's 2:04 in the morning right now :/ Yeah, I can't sleep right now. I'm pretty sure that it isn't because I'm watching Criminal Minds because that is actually kind of calming me down. I really want to be able to sleep again, but for some dumb reason I can't sleep--Well, I know why, but for some reason I don't really feel like telling the whole long story about my relationship problems. I know I've told you all of this stuff before, but today I'm feeling kind of sheepish about all of the romance crap. I don't really know what to say about all of this, but I kind of want to be able to figure all of this out before I explode. I wish I knew the answer to everything. I know that isn't possible, but obviously I still want it. There is so much crap going on my life, and I'm warning you not to get too involved because sometimes it can really get on someone's nerves when they listen to me for too long. Too long being, maybe even as short as five minutes. Well I think I'm going to be up all night so I mightaswell right as much as I can while I'm up even if it's just rambling. Lots of things have really surprised me lately, about certain people and the amazing advice that they give. Spencer Reed is so confusing in all of his talking about science geeky stuff... I LOVE it. I'm so tired right now, but it's really funny because I'm so tired I actually understand what he's talking about. I would LOVE to meet him a lot, and I promise I'm going to marry a guy just like him. This episode is so creepy... but I LOVE IT! This woman is so insane... Wow, I'm being random. I just want to get to bed. I've tried to just fall asleep, but it doesn't really work. I'm a little bit annoyed with all of this concentrating I'm doing in the middle of this morning when I should be getting my beauty sleep. But there is so much stress going on and I have no idea how to deal with it, so I just decided I would blog about it, even if it took me three hours. I wish I could smile for real instead of just fake. I know I may seem depressed all the time, but I guess that's kind of what you got into when you started reading this. I just hope you get out of everything before I get too deep into my complaining... That is, unless you like hearing all about my problems with I completely don't mind. There is so much drama here, that I don't really know what to do. I guess at some time I really will get it all figured out.

Love you... I'm going to go now!

Post 2 of Today.

Yep, that's right, I'm writing post number two. In three, two--Oh wait, that doesn't work with this kind of thing. I am really hating myself right now. No, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid, but I really wanna just figure this stupid life-puzzle out. As you can probably tell, I am pretty angry I right now. Things are feeling kind of tense and quiet right now, and I feel kind of warm even without my jacket on. I feel a major migraine coming on. Too bad I have my SEOP today, otherwise I'd just go home and sleep. Yes, that would be nice.

akdpafoieuarpncoxkjdsf;lceajd;flakjd;lfkj;asdljcnm (thanks Sara ;)

Dang it. I thought I had most of this figured out after that last blog entry, but I kind of figured out at lunch that I kind of am still in the freakin' ditch. I would much rather forget about anything that ever happened with guys and just wait for them to come to me. I got called desperate today. It sucked, because I know for a fact that it may as well have been said from my own mouth.

As of the last post, you all know that I have MAJOR crushes on these two guys right now, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I'm going to try not to go on and on about this, but it's really important for those of you who are reading this that if you have any ideas of what I should do to comment with them. I would really appreciate anything, accept for hate-stuff.

This is going to be all about who to pick from now on. I know all of the pros and cons of both choices, but I don't understand who I should pick because they are both amazing people for millions of reasons. I have been thinking about this all day, ever since second period when I saw his eyes sparkling again (they were GORGEOUS). I've been on and off of it all day. I'm acting like I'm on some drug, but honestly, I'm LDS, and any drug is VERY VERY VERY VERY bad for you, and another thing; I'm a good girl.

Here's a little detail: They used to both have girlfriends, and now there's only one that does. Still, it sucks because I am practically madly in love with both of them. Even though having one of them free helps a little bit, the one that I really want to be with is still dating.
Wish me luck with my boy-strike tomorrow.
Love,
Emma.

Lust or Love?????

Well, I'm kind of tired right now.... but I mightaswell write something. And actually, I know exactly what I'm going to write about. Recently, guys have been very very very confusing for me. Dang it! There's another guy on my list. What's so horrible about that? I'll answer that question for you, right now. It's my best friends brother. I'm not giving ages, but I will tell you that he's six years older than me. So, basically, he's an adult, and I'm not an adult, so that poses some problems.

My friend just recently found out and she can't seem to understand that I have a small--if not big crush on her older brother. Everything I like about him, is something she doesn't like about him. Here, for your convencience, and to get it out, I'll write precisely what I think about him--more like why I like him.

My Reasons:

• He's nice
• He's funny
• He actually talks to me when I'm at my friends house when all of my other friends brothers have just ignored me.
• I don't know, maybe it's the fact that he's older, but I was talking to my grandma who also knows him and my friend, and she said he was actually very mature for his age. I'm not doubting that because of his age, but I'm sure it has at least a tiny bit of effect for me liking him.
• He tests the limits. When he was giving me a ride home on Christmas day he kept on slamming on the breaks. I love danger.
• He's cute... but everybody knows that's just a bonus.

I've been feeling so guilty about this for the past almost two weeks I've liked him, but thanks for those of you who are actually reading this instead of just opening the page. I need someone who would be willing to talk to me through the night, because I haven't been able to sleep for the past couple nights because of that guilt. Yesterday, one of my close, but not best friends actually had the audacity to ask me if I loved him. I told her I didn't know, but I actually did hesitate. Last night I was thinking about it, and I don't really know if it's possible, but I think I may well be in love with two guys right now.

I haven't known her brother for very long, but this is a very strong feeling. Whenever I'm alone in a room with him that's out in the open, I feel really warm, and actually feel like I live there and I'm at home. Then with the minnow (as me and my best friend call him), I get the same feelings. Ugh! Every time I look into his eyes that are so dark, and so confusing like Dante's in the Hourglass Door. I feel like I don't understand him at all.

Sorry to go back to the first guy, but I had to say something about something I noticed. He just broke up with his girlfriend a couple days ago for personal reasons (that I know), and he's been kind of sad lately. He seems really grumpy. Yesterday when I was at his and my friends house, I noticed he was looking at me a lot..... I guess I just got myself into a bigger situation.

LOVE,

Emma Susan 

The Confused,

Full of Sorrow,

Annoyed by this neusance,

Tibbitts.

Danny, Danny, Danny

I just realized you haven't heard anything about my boyfriend yet! Well, know that you know I have one, I better start telling you about him! Just swear you won't tell anyone, because it's supposed to be  a secret. Shh! haha. Well, on the thirteenth we were sitting on the couch in his basement. We've always been really good friends, but a few days ago, he said something that made me really surprised, but really happy. As I was saying, we were just sitting there talking. It was his birthday, and the celebrations were over, and we were just hanging out after his family had all left. He put his arm around my shoulder, and I thought it was just a friendly gesture, but what he said, definitely told me otherwise. "Emma," he said. "You know how it's my birthday?" he asked me.
I said, "yeah."
and he said, "Well, the only thing that could make this birthday better was if you'd be my girlfriend."
We've been really good friends for awhile, so I couldn't believe that he actually asked me out. I didn't think he would ask me out, but apparently as of yesterday, meaning Sunday... he's moving away. Halfway across the US and I'll only ever see him like once or twice a year. He is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I think I might be in love with him. I know that I'm supposed to like you all know who, but, seriously, Danny is my boyfriend now. We were talking about not keeping our relationship because neither of us like long-distance, and it would totally distract me from my schoolwork. So maybe it's me that didn't want a long distance relationship, but I've changed my mind. As of today, we are still in a relationship. :)

Wahoo!

So... I bet you're wondering why I am filled with excitement at this moment in time. So... I'm not going to tell you......... JUST KIDDING! I'm sure all of you are very excited to hear why I am so happy at this current moment in time. So, here it goes. I was sitting in my Foods Class with Mrs. Wall today, and  I decided that I was going to check my email because I hadn't in a couple days, and guess what the first message in the inbox said??? It was entitled: You ARE published!!!! Yay! I'm going to be in a book called Stars in Our Hearts, and it's going to be amazing. It's kind of expensive, but I'm sure that my mom will buy it for me because it's an officialy PUBLISHED POETRY BOOK! and MY POEM IS IN IT! I just wish I hadn't spent all that freakin' money on all of that stupid stuff. This is way more important. There's a special discount for the people published in the book--like me. It's ten dollars less than the original price. Problem is, there are only a few more days that counts and there are only five copies left. I would take so much care of that book. Not write in it, not write on it... don't let anyone else touch it. Yeah, that special. I mean seriously, it's my first time ever being published in an offiicial book! Ahh! I am so excited. No sorrow or heart-break at all, at the current moment. My my my, how things can change so fast. Wish me luck convincing my mom! :D Love you guys!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3/

Emma

Susan

The

Published


Tibbitts!

Heart-Broken.

I hear him talking about this girl, and the title explains exactly how I feel. I still feel like I'm slowly dying inside, but I know I'm not. It feels like everything is running in slow motion, but I have to remind myself every time that that only happens in movies, and not in real life. It's weird. Whenever I learn something new about this situation and where it's going, I always hear a song a little while after that makes complete sense. Last night, yeah, it was horrible, but today is worse. Now I have to listen to it most of the day. I've been really confused lately, and I need some major help. I asked one of my really close friends, and she told me what she honestly thought, and then I asked my cousin and she gave me her best advice by saying to be careful what I talk to him about. I'm just so scared that I'm going to say something really stupid. And I'm usually not scared of anything, so this is serious. I barely slept last night--meaning I slept like three hours because I was thinking about how stupid the whole situation I'm getting into for the millionth time. I hate it how I always say I'm never going to fall in love again, and that's exactly what I do just a few days/weeks later. I was laying on the couch this morning during scripture study, holding the stuffed animal that always makes me feel better (a stuffed lamb that I have had since I was barely one.) Then, all of a sudden.... wait for it.... I felt a tear in the corner of my eye. Ever since last year, I told myself I would never cry about a guy because of how horrible that situation was, but now, I am taking away that lie I told myself. Of course, at the time I didn't really know it was a lie, but now, I know it's stupid, but I can't really help it but cry for a guy. I get hurt so easily, which is probably the reason why no guy is really into me--either that, or they're too shy to tell me, but I highly doubt that. I've been feeling really negative since yesterday, and it isn't just because of him. It's because of this other jerk that said some really mean things to me yesterday while I was also talking to the special person you all know so much about. I feel like I'm going to die. I know I've said that a million and four times, but I really think it's true. I think it's possible to die of a broken heart. I don't understand. He was showing all of the signs of liking me, but now I'm really upset that he doesn't--or does.... I'm just so confused, and I really don't know what to do. I'm feeling a song coming on.... This should be great :)

What do you do, when you're heart is breaking? When you can't find the wings to fly? When the courage is gone, and the fear overcomes, and the sadness, the pain overrides. When gentleness ends, when hardship descends, when the days of the past are over. 


When the song of my life, and the poems, and the words, when life as I know it, is gone for good. Where the story of life, is nothing more than a dream; when the time for goodbyes, is coming. Now my heart is full, of hopelessness, no cheer; and the dreams I dreamed, are lost.


That's all I have so far. Promise me you won't copy it. It may be a hit! :D

Sorrow...

Guess my streak of happiness is all gone! Big whoop. Who really cares. Well, for one I do. Sorry for the short span of happiness, but things haven't been going so dandy from the last time I wrote. As some of you may know, not from the blog, but just from talking in person, that I've made some drastic decisions in the past week or so, and finally the results are coming. Just not in the way I expected them. He likes someone else that he knows better, and now I'm lost on what to do. I had so much hope, and now that's really quickly fading. I need some positive encouragement. This pain is worse than I've ever felt before, and I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Right now, I'm listening to blues music and a bunch of songs all entitled heart-break. Lousy, I know, but it's how I'm getting by at the moment. I've liked many guys before like I said in the post before this, but none of them, not one, ever amounted to the way I feel right now. It's eating away at my soul I feel so bad. I know he was definitely ready to find out, but now I kind of regret ever making the decision I did. I'm not going to go into specifics because we all know the whole story. It's always the same, and it always ends the same way. I'm just sitting here hoping that this story has just begun, and this is just the first road-block. I know I'm not going to die or anything here, but I feel like I'm dying on the inside. It's slow, but I can definitely feel it. It's as if the whole world is falling apart right from underneath my feet, which is sort of like my dream from Thursday, which was amazing by the way. I just wonder if I was seeing some twisted version of the future that was coming. I'm keeping a dream journal called, "Dreams That Won't Come True," Yeah, I'm thinking this is definitely one of those dreams. I feel like I have no hope for a future with him--actually, I'm almost positive there is not future, but I can still hope, can't I? Or are you taking that away too? Remember the quote from my first post? I'm still trying to make that my goal and motto, but times are getting really tough. It's what they guy in my first ever finished one time through book said:
Always believe in the slightest of hopes, the slimmest of chances, and believe anything is possible.
Sometimes it's really hard for me to follow that motto, one of those times is right now. It's weird. It seems like the only time I have trouble following my own motto is when I seem to need it the most. Everything seems impossible, that there is no slimmest chance, there isn't even a slight hope... or so it seems. But I have to keep on reminding myself of that quote. Sometimes I'm caught in such a freakin' bad mood that nothing can heal it but his voice. Who knew a guys voice could be so healing, right? I certainly didn't. Now I can't sleep, and I'm definitely not hungry. I can't concentrate on anything. I went to mutual tonight, and the whole time I was fanticizing about how I wish things were and how I knew they couldn't be. Plus, I've written a lot of poems and stuff to help me get through like you guys have read. I find it really ironic how they're all depressing, and I wrote them when I was actually feeling kind of happy.
I told my friends that I talk to before English today that I was feeling rainbow, but honestly, over the day it has turned into more of a blue, and purple and black. Basically, bruised all over. I'm sure I'll feel better soon, but until then, I'll just sit here listening to my music.

Love Y'all,
Emma Susan Tibbitts/The Broken

Happy Happy Happy!

Well, I'm not really in a bad mood today, so I'm going to write about how amazing life is. I think I swallowed some really happy air that happens to be making me float on a cloud here. Just being in his presence is making me amazing. I'm not sitting right next to him right now, but I can sense how close he is. I'm so happy right now, that I'm not even hungry even though it's lunch. I think my love for him will keep me full. Either that, or I ate a ton of dinner last night, but I think I'll stick with the whole love thing. Every freakin' time I look at him I have to smile because of how amazing he is. He's so amazing that I'm a little bit jealous of how amazing he is. He makes me smile, laugh, at everything he does. He makes me want to sing with joy. Whenever I'm near him I feel warm and fuzzy inside, maybe it's just part of being in love. I was looking at every picture of every famous actor that I am currently in love with, and they all have something in common with him like dark eyes, dark hair. In one word, he's beautiful, and he's not afraid to admit it. Some people can't believe I'm in love at this age, but to tell you the truth, now, I have no doubt. For one, he's still talking to me and I'm pretty sure he knows, and may or may not be reading this right now. If you are, just know this, I love you so much, and no-one, like my letter says could ever feel how strongly I do.
Honestly, when I thought I was in love before, I haven't been. I think I just believed I was because it helped pass the time, and made me feel happy even if it was just for a little while. No offense to all of those boys, they did make me happy--well, actually, that one didn't, but honestly, he doesn't matter anymore. I am so happy right now, I don't care about anything else except for the very reason for my happiness. I completely understand that people may think I'm crazy, but I'm not acting to impress anybody else. I'm acting for me, myself and I and nobody else. Hear that? I really don't care what other people think of me because as Eleanor Roosevelt said: No one can make me feel inferior without my consent.
I've made that simple line one of my biggest mottos, because it's true. No one can make you feel anything without your approval. I certainly didn't believe that all the time, because at one point I went home crying every day because of what somebody had said to me. Now, I don't really care.
I think it's really funny how one different thing can change your whole opinion on a matter. Recently, mbity crush has been interacting and flirting a lot more than he used to be. I feel like we are growing closer every day. I AM SO HAPPY!
<3///
Emma Susan Tibbitts!!!!!!
























YAYA!!!!!!!

Happiness

I just decided I need to write something happy for a change. Everything I've been writing lately, or at least for the most part has been really depressing so I have officially decided to get out of this 'challenging time' by thinking about happy things instead of all of the horrible things that are happening to me right now. I'm really sorry about all of my negativity. i really try to be positive, but I've been really stressed and emotionally down lately--I'm not saying that's a reasonable excuse for my actions, but I just want to let you guys know that when I'm in a good mood I think nothing about the negative. I got to be the sun in Science for a demonstration and now my nickname is Sunny because of that. I guess I'll have to try better than I am because I'm not even smiling right now. I'm flat-lipped, and I don't think that will change for a while--Dang! I'm still being negative. Somebody please slap me.
Lately I've taken up writing letters to somebody who is very dear to me even though I have known him only since August. I explain my feelings over and over again hoping that one day he'll just catch the hint and do something about it instead of making me take all of the effort to make things work out between us. I just wish it were easier to say things that are really important to me. I know I ask a lot of questions, but I need to know the answer to this age old question. Why are guys so confusing?!?! Somebody has to know the answer. Are they trying to be mysterious? Is he shy? Does he even really know I exist because sometimes I feel like I'm invisible to him.
I'm amazed by everything he does. Every time he makes me smile; every time he makes me laugh it makes me want to scream to think that he has no idea how deeply I really feel. He flirts with other girls right in front of me so much it proves even more that he has no idea. I said I was going to write about something happy so there's going to be a brief intermission....
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Alright, I'm back... here are some things that I thought of that should make me happy, but whenever I think of them, they make me think of something that brings me back into my depressed situation.

1. Flowers--Especially roses.  Roses should make me happy because they are so beautiful and they are my favorite flower, but thing is, they make me think of how much I want a guy to give me roses to show me how much he really cares. Thus, they either don't know that, or they don't really care. I'm not sure which one it is, but for right now, I'm going with number one to make myself feel happier.
2. Music--Yes, I do love music, but when I think of certain songs they make me feel especially upset because any song I listen to makes me feel extremely upset because they all also remind me of special people that may never know how I really feel.
3. Poetry. Most poems are really beautiful but ever since certain experiences that I won't go into time to explain, I haven't ever seemed to look at certain poems the same. The moment moved me so much that it put me in a funk of it's own and every time I look at that book I'm either really happy or really depressed. Today, thankfully, it made me smile for a change.
4. Dante. Yes, Dante has made me both sad and happy. Happy because of how amazing he is to the people he loves and the fact that he'd risk his life just for that, but sad because I know I probably won't be able to find somebody exactly like him no matter how hard I try. I am going to try to get as close as I can though, and I think I've found a pretty close match.

Recently, I've written a lot of poems about my feelings as well as some of you may know. They're very deep, and some of them are really depressing, but that was how I was feeling at the moment. Some of them I've translated them into Italian because the Italian language seems very romantic to me, and it's very beautiful which is why I'm learning it.

Every time I see him it either brings a smile to my face or makes me cry at the worst. I feel like I've fallen in love for real for the first time. I know perfectly well how old I am, and how crazy that sounds to some people, but I really think I'm telling the truth this time. Don't call me crazy. We were sent to this earth with our free agency, and this is what I'm choosing to believe right now, even though it may be really important that I be careful. 

Honestly, I do know how much I could get hurt if I believe in myself too much, but I want to have as much hope as I can if this is all going to work out. I'm on the verge of doing something very important and I need the courage, so please, have faith in me no matter how stupid you may think what I'm going to do may be for those of you who know what I'm doing, I just want to let you know that I had to do it at some point, and I figured that sooner was a lot better than later.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same--well, actually it does to me, but that's not the point here. I'm sure you've all heard this...

If you love someone, let them go; if the come back, they were always yours; if they don't, they never were.

Author Unknown

Jealousy and Hate

"Hate, is the face of jealousy." someone very wise once said. I personally, am really having trouble dealing with that right now. No, I don't hate anyone, but there are certain people I'm really jealous of. I don't know how to explain it. When some girl even talks about something, or even just jokes around with the guy I like, I tend to get really jealous and I can't handle it very well.

 I try not to let it get to me. Really, I'm just wishing that I could talk to this certain person more than I am right now. I feel like we're friends and all, but honestly, I want him to like me even more than anyone could ever imagine. I've been so stressed out lately about making the right impression and impressing him but I'm not really changing myself at all. Maybe he just isn't interested in me the way I am in him?

 Maybe I've been assuming things that aren't even partially true to be. I know some people think that I think of a guy that I like as just an object, but no, that's a lie. Like Jasmine said to her dad, "I am not a prize to be won!" I don't think of boys as prizes. I think about them and their individuality. 

Their awesomeness, and how they get along with me. That's all I think about. I want someone who will treat me right and who will accept me for me no matter what the circumstance. 

Like I've said time and time, maybe a million times over. Everyday I go home wishing he were there holding me in his arms and never letting go. I know it may seem like I'm kind of clingy, and I do know I am, I promise which is the reason why--or at least the reason why I assume that no guys have acted interested. Maybe I'm not good looking enough--because that's what seems to be the base of every guys reason for liking a girl nowadays. I'm sorry to all of the boys that aren't like that, but that's what it seems the majority of the male population are doing these days.

I'm kind of shy when I'm around people that mean a lot to me, and that can be a major problem especially when you need to get a really important message across to a very important person. It makes it even harder when you believe that you don't mean to them as much as they do to you. Throughout life I've been caught in a lot of love-traps that have seemed inescapable, but somehow I've always found my way back out of the funk I land in. Still though, I doubt this one will be as easy as all of the others.

He makes me feel like some guy actually cares what I have to say and he never says "Okay", "um", or "Yeah." He actually listens to what I have to say when I want to say it. He seems so perfect for me, but I almost always find him looking at someone else, when I was so sure he was staring at me just five seconds earlier. Guys are so confusing. I don't even know why I always manage to get myself stuck being in love with them. I'm not really sure what it is with me, but I always start liking a guy at the worst times. For instance, I started liking this guy right when I was in the middle of getting over another guy that I thought was completely out of my life. He is now, and I have somebody else even more important. Someone that I believe will be able to heal all of the hurt, even if it means he has to bring me to the truth before that. I've always been looking for someone who will always be there whenever I need comfort. Somebody that will take me to a happy place where I can truly be who I want to be. Let me rephrase that. I need someone to be there when I'm having a difficult time believing in myself and need a pick-me-up.

Well, it looks like my writer's block is gone now, or maybe I was just thinking really deeply and it will be gone by tomorrow.

With Love,

Emma