Happiness

I just decided I need to write something happy for a change. Everything I've been writing lately, or at least for the most part has been really depressing so I have officially decided to get out of this 'challenging time' by thinking about happy things instead of all of the horrible things that are happening to me right now. I'm really sorry about all of my negativity. i really try to be positive, but I've been really stressed and emotionally down lately--I'm not saying that's a reasonable excuse for my actions, but I just want to let you guys know that when I'm in a good mood I think nothing about the negative. I got to be the sun in Science for a demonstration and now my nickname is Sunny because of that. I guess I'll have to try better than I am because I'm not even smiling right now. I'm flat-lipped, and I don't think that will change for a while--Dang! I'm still being negative. Somebody please slap me.
Lately I've taken up writing letters to somebody who is very dear to me even though I have known him only since August. I explain my feelings over and over again hoping that one day he'll just catch the hint and do something about it instead of making me take all of the effort to make things work out between us. I just wish it were easier to say things that are really important to me. I know I ask a lot of questions, but I need to know the answer to this age old question. Why are guys so confusing?!?! Somebody has to know the answer. Are they trying to be mysterious? Is he shy? Does he even really know I exist because sometimes I feel like I'm invisible to him.
I'm amazed by everything he does. Every time he makes me smile; every time he makes me laugh it makes me want to scream to think that he has no idea how deeply I really feel. He flirts with other girls right in front of me so much it proves even more that he has no idea. I said I was going to write about something happy so there's going to be a brief intermission....
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Alright, I'm back... here are some things that I thought of that should make me happy, but whenever I think of them, they make me think of something that brings me back into my depressed situation.

1. Flowers--Especially roses.  Roses should make me happy because they are so beautiful and they are my favorite flower, but thing is, they make me think of how much I want a guy to give me roses to show me how much he really cares. Thus, they either don't know that, or they don't really care. I'm not sure which one it is, but for right now, I'm going with number one to make myself feel happier.
2. Music--Yes, I do love music, but when I think of certain songs they make me feel especially upset because any song I listen to makes me feel extremely upset because they all also remind me of special people that may never know how I really feel.
3. Poetry. Most poems are really beautiful but ever since certain experiences that I won't go into time to explain, I haven't ever seemed to look at certain poems the same. The moment moved me so much that it put me in a funk of it's own and every time I look at that book I'm either really happy or really depressed. Today, thankfully, it made me smile for a change.
4. Dante. Yes, Dante has made me both sad and happy. Happy because of how amazing he is to the people he loves and the fact that he'd risk his life just for that, but sad because I know I probably won't be able to find somebody exactly like him no matter how hard I try. I am going to try to get as close as I can though, and I think I've found a pretty close match.

Recently, I've written a lot of poems about my feelings as well as some of you may know. They're very deep, and some of them are really depressing, but that was how I was feeling at the moment. Some of them I've translated them into Italian because the Italian language seems very romantic to me, and it's very beautiful which is why I'm learning it.

Every time I see him it either brings a smile to my face or makes me cry at the worst. I feel like I've fallen in love for real for the first time. I know perfectly well how old I am, and how crazy that sounds to some people, but I really think I'm telling the truth this time. Don't call me crazy. We were sent to this earth with our free agency, and this is what I'm choosing to believe right now, even though it may be really important that I be careful. 

Honestly, I do know how much I could get hurt if I believe in myself too much, but I want to have as much hope as I can if this is all going to work out. I'm on the verge of doing something very important and I need the courage, so please, have faith in me no matter how stupid you may think what I'm going to do may be for those of you who know what I'm doing, I just want to let you know that I had to do it at some point, and I figured that sooner was a lot better than later.

It doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same--well, actually it does to me, but that's not the point here. I'm sure you've all heard this...

If you love someone, let them go; if the come back, they were always yours; if they don't, they never were.

Author Unknown