Sorrow...

Guess my streak of happiness is all gone! Big whoop. Who really cares. Well, for one I do. Sorry for the short span of happiness, but things haven't been going so dandy from the last time I wrote. As some of you may know, not from the blog, but just from talking in person, that I've made some drastic decisions in the past week or so, and finally the results are coming. Just not in the way I expected them. He likes someone else that he knows better, and now I'm lost on what to do. I had so much hope, and now that's really quickly fading. I need some positive encouragement. This pain is worse than I've ever felt before, and I don't know what I'm going to do about it. Right now, I'm listening to blues music and a bunch of songs all entitled heart-break. Lousy, I know, but it's how I'm getting by at the moment. I've liked many guys before like I said in the post before this, but none of them, not one, ever amounted to the way I feel right now. It's eating away at my soul I feel so bad. I know he was definitely ready to find out, but now I kind of regret ever making the decision I did. I'm not going to go into specifics because we all know the whole story. It's always the same, and it always ends the same way. I'm just sitting here hoping that this story has just begun, and this is just the first road-block. I know I'm not going to die or anything here, but I feel like I'm dying on the inside. It's slow, but I can definitely feel it. It's as if the whole world is falling apart right from underneath my feet, which is sort of like my dream from Thursday, which was amazing by the way. I just wonder if I was seeing some twisted version of the future that was coming. I'm keeping a dream journal called, "Dreams That Won't Come True," Yeah, I'm thinking this is definitely one of those dreams. I feel like I have no hope for a future with him--actually, I'm almost positive there is not future, but I can still hope, can't I? Or are you taking that away too? Remember the quote from my first post? I'm still trying to make that my goal and motto, but times are getting really tough. It's what they guy in my first ever finished one time through book said:
Always believe in the slightest of hopes, the slimmest of chances, and believe anything is possible.
Sometimes it's really hard for me to follow that motto, one of those times is right now. It's weird. It seems like the only time I have trouble following my own motto is when I seem to need it the most. Everything seems impossible, that there is no slimmest chance, there isn't even a slight hope... or so it seems. But I have to keep on reminding myself of that quote. Sometimes I'm caught in such a freakin' bad mood that nothing can heal it but his voice. Who knew a guys voice could be so healing, right? I certainly didn't. Now I can't sleep, and I'm definitely not hungry. I can't concentrate on anything. I went to mutual tonight, and the whole time I was fanticizing about how I wish things were and how I knew they couldn't be. Plus, I've written a lot of poems and stuff to help me get through like you guys have read. I find it really ironic how they're all depressing, and I wrote them when I was actually feeling kind of happy.
I told my friends that I talk to before English today that I was feeling rainbow, but honestly, over the day it has turned into more of a blue, and purple and black. Basically, bruised all over. I'm sure I'll feel better soon, but until then, I'll just sit here listening to my music.

Love Y'all,
Emma Susan Tibbitts/The Broken