Wow.

It's been awhile! Sorry guys, I just made another blog a little while ago, about some more personal stuff... i'm not sure why though. I'm glad to be back! Let's see... updates on life. I'm now almost fifteen, and I'm way excited. The legal age for my permit, and also going to high school!(: I like a guy that I met just a little while ago--like a couple weeks, and you could say that we're kind of sweethearts if you want to look at it that way. Why, because I recently found out that he feels the same way about me.

I am so happy, because for once in my life it seems like everything is finally going at least a little bit how I planned instead of completely backfiring every single step I take to get to where I want to go. I've been writing a lot of songs lately, about reflection and looking back on everything I can see every single mistake I've made, and I am so happy that I now have the strength and will to change that to be a better person. I had  a little power struggle with some internal stuff back there for awhile, but now I feel completely healed and energized like I'm able to do everything that I wanted.

I don't remember what I wrote about the last time I wrote because it was so long ago, but what I do know is that whatever depressing stuff I was saying or going through doesn't even phase me now. It is seriously like a meteor hit the earth, and turned everything upside down. I can't stop smiling now because of how happy I am. I haven't really gotten all of my issues under control, but that isn't what really matters to me right now. All that matters is that I'm taking life the way I want it, and not the way the devil does.

I feel so strong right now, like nothing can bring me down but I know that isn't true. I guess at one point all of that will come back, but for now I decided I'm going to live in the moment, but still think through my decisions carefully instead of just winging it like I used to do. I guess that's what kind of ruined all of my relationships before was that I was to straight forward. I'm not talking about drawing back completely, but kind of talking less about how much I like this person or that person.

I have to leave now, but I'll write more in a couple hours or so. I love every single one of you for helping me get through this.

Emma <3 (:

4:00 AM

Yes, I am still awake. It's funny, because most of the time when I try to pull an all nighter I just end up falling asleep from exhaustion, but now I'm kind of wanting to go to bed and this is the time when my body decides to pull an all nighter. Sorry if I'm annoying you guys, but this is really getting on my nerves as well. I have another episode of CSI on, but I'm still having a lack of concentration. This is so hard for me to deal with. Ever since Saturday, I've been thinking a lot about my ex-boyfriend. Problem is, he likes my best friend now. Well, it's so gerat to get this out. I should probably be putting this on my top-secret blog that no one reads, but I'm being nice today and you can all hear about my tragic love story. Or more like plural love stories. I'm so sick of everything. He's in love with my really close friend. She's practically exactly the same as me, and ugh! I didn't even realize I liked him this much until now. I've pretended to hate him for so long that when I finally started thinking about it, all of that hate I let boil up inside of me was really only leading in the opposite direction I wanted it to. He told me that our relationship was on pause and that he wasn't sure how long it would be on pause before he was ready to give me another chance. I am so exhausted. Physically, and emotionally and the sleep WILL NOT COME no matter how hard I try. This episode is very entertaining but I keep on zoning out... and then when I zone out, it's really annoying because I lose track of everything that's happening in the show. Still, all that matters is that I catch up I guess. I do realize that I really do need at least some sleep, so I'll probably just get it in Seminary. I do love that class, but it's really the only sleep I'd possibly even have a chance of getting some rest in. I'm kind of angry right now... and I don't really know why. I thought I'd gotten over all of the angry feelings I was having last week, but apparently I was not even close to the end.  Haha I love this show... It adds humor to the crime. Yes, yes it does. I feel like I'm on opposite laughing gas... I'm so depressed for absolutely no reason. I swear I could write a novel with all of the posts I'm writing today, so I'm going to try not to write very much more, but I wish you guys all have good days even if I don't!

Love Y'all!
Emma

Sleeping Meds, Anybody?

Well, sleep has not fallen yet, as you may be aware by my typing another post at this early hour. I know it's only been an hour or so since I last posted, but I've still got a lot on my mind even if it doesn't really make sense to me at the moment right now. So, I've turned on another Criminal Minds that I am already deeply caught up into even though it just barely started. The only problem is all of the freakin' commercials. I am so tired of life right now. I'm not really speaking of doing anything dangerous, I wish I could just hibernate like a bear. You know, escape from the world for awhile. This show is so easy for me to figure out. Like when I just barely start watching it I can already tell who the criminal is. Even before the show tells you that's who it is. Wow... Sometimes the criminals on these shows happen to be so adorable!!!! And the victims. Like on the CSI I was watching before the guy that died was adorable. He was a very bad guy... but usually the guy that is the most horrible are the ones that you seem to like the most. This guy... Now, he's a babe. His name is Brandon, and he's kind of the bad boy type, but I love him. Maybe it's because he reminds me of this certain guy that I used to--and maybe still do like. Ooh... This is exciting... a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend.... alone. What is going on here? Ooh, he just got dissed. No more girlfriend for him! Sorry about my rambling on right now, I've just got a lot to figure out and sometimes rambling acutally helps me clear my head. Even though sometimes it just stresses me out. I'm thinking maybe I should try to get some sleep, but I'm too scared to even try in fear of having another nightmare about death or someone special dying. This is just a little bit too dramatic for me. I'm really in need of a long hibernation. Or... better yet, I could get some lavender flavored bath scent and maybe some mint, and eat some chocolate. Anybody want to give me some? I'd really appreciate it. I'll probably write more in an hour or so...
Till THEN....
Emma

Well I'm Back Again...

Look at the time. OMG!It's 2:04 in the morning right now :/ Yeah, I can't sleep right now. I'm pretty sure that it isn't because I'm watching Criminal Minds because that is actually kind of calming me down. I really want to be able to sleep again, but for some dumb reason I can't sleep--Well, I know why, but for some reason I don't really feel like telling the whole long story about my relationship problems. I know I've told you all of this stuff before, but today I'm feeling kind of sheepish about all of the romance crap. I don't really know what to say about all of this, but I kind of want to be able to figure all of this out before I explode. I wish I knew the answer to everything. I know that isn't possible, but obviously I still want it. There is so much crap going on my life, and I'm warning you not to get too involved because sometimes it can really get on someone's nerves when they listen to me for too long. Too long being, maybe even as short as five minutes. Well I think I'm going to be up all night so I mightaswell right as much as I can while I'm up even if it's just rambling. Lots of things have really surprised me lately, about certain people and the amazing advice that they give. Spencer Reed is so confusing in all of his talking about science geeky stuff... I LOVE it. I'm so tired right now, but it's really funny because I'm so tired I actually understand what he's talking about. I would LOVE to meet him a lot, and I promise I'm going to marry a guy just like him. This episode is so creepy... but I LOVE IT! This woman is so insane... Wow, I'm being random. I just want to get to bed. I've tried to just fall asleep, but it doesn't really work. I'm a little bit annoyed with all of this concentrating I'm doing in the middle of this morning when I should be getting my beauty sleep. But there is so much stress going on and I have no idea how to deal with it, so I just decided I would blog about it, even if it took me three hours. I wish I could smile for real instead of just fake. I know I may seem depressed all the time, but I guess that's kind of what you got into when you started reading this. I just hope you get out of everything before I get too deep into my complaining... That is, unless you like hearing all about my problems with I completely don't mind. There is so much drama here, that I don't really know what to do. I guess at some time I really will get it all figured out.

Love you... I'm going to go now!

Post 2 of Today.

Yep, that's right, I'm writing post number two. In three, two--Oh wait, that doesn't work with this kind of thing. I am really hating myself right now. No, I'm not thinking of doing anything stupid, but I really wanna just figure this stupid life-puzzle out. As you can probably tell, I am pretty angry I right now. Things are feeling kind of tense and quiet right now, and I feel kind of warm even without my jacket on. I feel a major migraine coming on. Too bad I have my SEOP today, otherwise I'd just go home and sleep. Yes, that would be nice.

akdpafoieuarpncoxkjdsf;lceajd;flakjd;lfkj;asdljcnm (thanks Sara ;)

Dang it. I thought I had most of this figured out after that last blog entry, but I kind of figured out at lunch that I kind of am still in the freakin' ditch. I would much rather forget about anything that ever happened with guys and just wait for them to come to me. I got called desperate today. It sucked, because I know for a fact that it may as well have been said from my own mouth.

As of the last post, you all know that I have MAJOR crushes on these two guys right now, and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I'm going to try not to go on and on about this, but it's really important for those of you who are reading this that if you have any ideas of what I should do to comment with them. I would really appreciate anything, accept for hate-stuff.

This is going to be all about who to pick from now on. I know all of the pros and cons of both choices, but I don't understand who I should pick because they are both amazing people for millions of reasons. I have been thinking about this all day, ever since second period when I saw his eyes sparkling again (they were GORGEOUS). I've been on and off of it all day. I'm acting like I'm on some drug, but honestly, I'm LDS, and any drug is VERY VERY VERY VERY bad for you, and another thing; I'm a good girl.

Here's a little detail: They used to both have girlfriends, and now there's only one that does. Still, it sucks because I am practically madly in love with both of them. Even though having one of them free helps a little bit, the one that I really want to be with is still dating.
Wish me luck with my boy-strike tomorrow.
Love,
Emma.

Lust or Love?????

Well, I'm kind of tired right now.... but I mightaswell write something. And actually, I know exactly what I'm going to write about. Recently, guys have been very very very confusing for me. Dang it! There's another guy on my list. What's so horrible about that? I'll answer that question for you, right now. It's my best friends brother. I'm not giving ages, but I will tell you that he's six years older than me. So, basically, he's an adult, and I'm not an adult, so that poses some problems.

My friend just recently found out and she can't seem to understand that I have a small--if not big crush on her older brother. Everything I like about him, is something she doesn't like about him. Here, for your convencience, and to get it out, I'll write precisely what I think about him--more like why I like him.

My Reasons:

• He's nice
• He's funny
• He actually talks to me when I'm at my friends house when all of my other friends brothers have just ignored me.
• I don't know, maybe it's the fact that he's older, but I was talking to my grandma who also knows him and my friend, and she said he was actually very mature for his age. I'm not doubting that because of his age, but I'm sure it has at least a tiny bit of effect for me liking him.
• He tests the limits. When he was giving me a ride home on Christmas day he kept on slamming on the breaks. I love danger.
• He's cute... but everybody knows that's just a bonus.

I've been feeling so guilty about this for the past almost two weeks I've liked him, but thanks for those of you who are actually reading this instead of just opening the page. I need someone who would be willing to talk to me through the night, because I haven't been able to sleep for the past couple nights because of that guilt. Yesterday, one of my close, but not best friends actually had the audacity to ask me if I loved him. I told her I didn't know, but I actually did hesitate. Last night I was thinking about it, and I don't really know if it's possible, but I think I may well be in love with two guys right now.

I haven't known her brother for very long, but this is a very strong feeling. Whenever I'm alone in a room with him that's out in the open, I feel really warm, and actually feel like I live there and I'm at home. Then with the minnow (as me and my best friend call him), I get the same feelings. Ugh! Every time I look into his eyes that are so dark, and so confusing like Dante's in the Hourglass Door. I feel like I don't understand him at all.

Sorry to go back to the first guy, but I had to say something about something I noticed. He just broke up with his girlfriend a couple days ago for personal reasons (that I know), and he's been kind of sad lately. He seems really grumpy. Yesterday when I was at his and my friends house, I noticed he was looking at me a lot..... I guess I just got myself into a bigger situation.

LOVE,

Emma Susan 

The Confused,

Full of Sorrow,

Annoyed by this neusance,

Tibbitts.

Danny, Danny, Danny

I just realized you haven't heard anything about my boyfriend yet! Well, know that you know I have one, I better start telling you about him! Just swear you won't tell anyone, because it's supposed to be  a secret. Shh! haha. Well, on the thirteenth we were sitting on the couch in his basement. We've always been really good friends, but a few days ago, he said something that made me really surprised, but really happy. As I was saying, we were just sitting there talking. It was his birthday, and the celebrations were over, and we were just hanging out after his family had all left. He put his arm around my shoulder, and I thought it was just a friendly gesture, but what he said, definitely told me otherwise. "Emma," he said. "You know how it's my birthday?" he asked me.
I said, "yeah."
and he said, "Well, the only thing that could make this birthday better was if you'd be my girlfriend."
We've been really good friends for awhile, so I couldn't believe that he actually asked me out. I didn't think he would ask me out, but apparently as of yesterday, meaning Sunday... he's moving away. Halfway across the US and I'll only ever see him like once or twice a year. He is the most amazing person I have ever met, and I think I might be in love with him. I know that I'm supposed to like you all know who, but, seriously, Danny is my boyfriend now. We were talking about not keeping our relationship because neither of us like long-distance, and it would totally distract me from my schoolwork. So maybe it's me that didn't want a long distance relationship, but I've changed my mind. As of today, we are still in a relationship. :)